for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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