I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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