I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
