i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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