i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
