who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
