Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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