"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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