if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
