just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
