Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
