Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
