just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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