i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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