I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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