Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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