Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
