I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
