i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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