I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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