So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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