you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
