i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
