There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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