shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
