I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
