I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
