i wish there were pregnant emoticons
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
