I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My liver just had a heart attack.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
