I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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