We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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