doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
