Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
