u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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