shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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