my being single is dangerous.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
