Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
