hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
