If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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