At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
