I should be sponsored by Trojan
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I will pee on everything he values.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
