Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
