Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
