I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
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he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
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I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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