Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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