But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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