i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize