wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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