i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
