I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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