WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
