I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
