I wish my penis had an off switch
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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