if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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