You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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