i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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