I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
