Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
