It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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